Of True Friendships and Shells

Hello once again Audience,

It's been a long time since I've written one of these, but I figured, what the heck. I hope you and your loved ones are well during this time. It's a weird time we live in though, isn't it? It's been almost exactly a month since I physically hung out with any of my friends, longer since I've seen my parents. And whilst we have wondrous technology that allows us to speak to anyone, no matter where they are in the world, I still don't think you can replace that physical aspect of true friendship. But over the past month I've been reflecting on what that phrase really means. What is 'true friendship?' What makes 'true friendship'?

Is is the people you hang out with? The people you look forward to seeing? The people who's absence you miss when deprived of it? Certainly it is in part all of these, but I believe 'true friendship' goes a lot further than that, runs a lot deeper than that. It's the people you're not afraid to cry in front of. The people who when they ask if you're okay, you don't just say 'fine' to in reply. It's the people who see the mask you present to the world, but also know the man wearing the mask. As I've reflected on this, I've started to realise that, by my definition at least, I can only really count 5 or 6 of my friendships as 'true friendships'. That's not a fault against any of my other friends, it's a fault against me. Many people say I have a shell, and that is true. Many people know I wear a mask to the world, but don't really know the man behind the mask. 

For the most part, people haven't tried to get further. Mostly, I suspect, because they know I'd clam up even further if they tried. But as much as I've been reflecting on the nature of 'true friendship', I've also been reflecting on the shell I've crafted over the years. Indeed, there was a time when I had no shell. When your neighbour's cousin's babysitter's brother's wife's uncle could ask me anything about me and I would tell them. Maybe not everything, but I felt far less of a need to hold back. To hide parts of myself away.

Most of you know that life hasn't always been kind to me. And it's why I've always strived to be kind to others. I don't want to add to the hurt already prevalent in the world. But part of that unkindness has come a desire to protect myself, to ensure I'm not put in a position to not get hurt again. And a large part of that was building the shell. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've thought 'if I'm not letting Bob in, what does it say about how much I really trust Bob? If he really is a good a friend as I say he is, then surely I already know he's not going to hurt me, so why don't I let him inside? 

I don't think it speaks to how much I trust them, there are a lot of people I wish I could just open myself up to, but just as much as the shell stops people getting in, in a way it almost feels like it's stopping me from getting out as well. And I don't want it to be like that anymore. I'm tired of feeling like my friends are being kept at arms length without my approval, or of feeling like my friends just see a sealed book when they're with me. It's not going to be easy, but I think that's what I'm taking out of all this. If I'm not open with my friends, why should they be open with me? In order to be the best possible friend I can, I need to be open with them too, even if sometimes it means having to force it out. 

In the spirit of opening up, 6 years ago to the day I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's all fine now, barring the very occasional episode that I'm not just able to power through. But there was a time when I found it very hard to live with. One of my friends and I have tried to figure out exactly when it first manifested, and whilst we haven't been able to come up with a concrete answer, it was definitely some years before my official diagnosis. How I would try and hide what exactly was going on underneath even though it was painfully obvious to everyone around me when I wasn't doing okay. It even lead to me doing some rather, uh, rash choices. And whilst my friendships with those from that time were massively strengthened, to the point that I'm of the opinion that one of my best friends probably wouldn't have become that if the bipolar hasn't been a thing, and she hadn't been the awesome woman she is who helped me weather the storms it threw up. 

I digress. When I think back to that time and I think how closed off I had to be, I think about how many friendships I inadvertently closed myself off to. How many people I had to hide from lest they discover what I was really like, and just wash their hands of me. Looking back, I know none of them would have done that, and there is at least one example I know of that confirms they absolutely would have rallied around me if I'd asked. But I don't want it to be like that now. I'm not saying this because I fear I'm in danger of losing anyone. I'm saying it because I don't think I'm enjoying some of my friendships as fully as I, or they, can be. 

Even as I look at my various social media outlets, there's four people who I have kept in daily contact with. Three of those four live a minimum of two hours away, so naturally our communication has been mostly digital anyway, so this current climate hasn't affected anything. One of them is local, but we're both perfectly content with most of our social contact being digitally, plus being in a group chat with two other people mentioned means that we all mostly chat as a group anyway. But then as I look at the people I do see on a regular basis, the people I would talk to weekly, or more so. There's been little flurries here and there, but to an outsider it's very spotty and I will fully admit, it was once I realised how terrible I was at keeping in touch with everyone that I started realising that the shell trying to keep them at a distance. Like most people, I find it a lot easier to open when in front of a screen than in front of a person. It's once of the primary reasons I've written a blog for seven years, makes it a lot easier to get thoughts out I want to be known without actually having to verbalise them. 

But to wrap up, if you feel I've somewhat neglected you/your friendship in the past month (or even further), I'm sorry. I can only promise to start trying to better, and like the whole theme of this blog has been, that means being open with you, and hopefully starting to be someone that you feel comfortable being open with too. It's time to stop having 'casual friendships' and start having 'true friendships'.

I hope to see you all soon. Until then,

Safety, peace and love,

-Connor