See Me Fight


Hello Once Again Audience.

So, another year has come and is now in it’s dying embers. So what have I learned in this, my 24th year on this wonderful planet we call Earth? Actually, quite a fair bit; far more than I expected. I’ll get to that, but first, it’s music time!



Whilst not all the lyrics are a perfect match for me, this has become my anthem this year. Three years ago I made a mistake, and it cost me (by now you should know what this is, if not, read my previous entries). When I decided to come back, I made a promise; that I would fight to rectify that wrong as best I could, and in the process, regain as much of what I lost as possible. As I sit here now, I wonder what 22 year old me would make of my fight. There are still many things that are ‘missing, places I still haven’t been back to and people I have yet to reunite with.

Yesterday I was in a well known supermarket (hint, it’s the orange one) looking for chocolate digestives. I usually end the day with a couple of chocolate biscuits, and cup of tea and a book, but I had sadly run out of the former. As I was searching for my usual variety of chocolate digestive, I found, to my great displeasure, that they were out of stock. I spent another few minutes searching behind the biscuits to the left and right, hoping there was a pack hidden away, perhaps accidentally knocked there by a hurried shopper. My search was in vain, and I found myself having to choose a different variety of chocolate digestive for my next few suppers. Last night during one of said suppers, I tried said new biscuit and found that whilst it was different, it was no less enjoyable; in fact I think I actually prefer the new ones.

I’m telling you this, not because I enjoy telling long rambling stories (although I do enjoy telling them; an unfortunate habit I’ve picked up from my dad). No; I’m telling you because my biscuit search is the perfect metaphor for this year. I started this year looking for some very specific things, be it items, people or places. Now it’s true, some things have come back. I go to Hub, I pop down to Euston when I can (which hasn’t been much lately, I promise I’ll be down by October Euston peeps!), there are other places and other people I’ve reunited with. And yet, not everything is back. Not everyone is back.

Much like my beloved digestives, there were some things that, for this year at least, I simply couldn’t get back, no matter how hard I looked. And much like my biscuit hunt, it took me far longer to realise that than it should. Now, does this mean I won’t have it back next year? I don’t know, but I think I’m starting to be okay with that; because, much like the new biscuits, I have found other things to, not replace, but almost succeed that which was lost. I have a new amazing bunch of friends, an awesome church, I’ve been to some incredible new places, met a load of simply brilliant new people.

At the start of this I mused what I’d think of this year had I known what would happen in advance. I think, without the context of experiencing it, I would be somewhat disappointed. But I think I would also have been equally, if not more happy to learn that whilst I didn’t get everything back, I found more than enough things to ‘fill in the gaps’ as it were. And I think more than anything, the biggest thing I am taking away from this year is just how much my relationship with God has grown. There have been times He’s said yes to certain requests, times He’s pushed me in an unexpected direction, times He’s told me to wait and times He’s said no.

And all through that, I’ve learned to trust Him, to listen to Him. After all; He’s the God of the universe! His wisdom and knowledge far exceeds my own, and if He says ‘yes’, or ‘no’ or simply ‘wait’, then I should feel confident that He has a good reason for saying what He does. Indeed, there are things He said no to this year, and at the time I didn’t understand, but I’m starting to. And there are things He’s said no to that I think He may be starting to say ‘wait’ or ‘yes’ to, but I’ll keep those to myself in case I’m wrong.

In blog entries of old I would post lyrics to a worship song I’d been listening to. I would like to do that again now. One of my absolute favourite worship songs this year has been ‘No Longer Slaves’ by Bethel Music. I have no idea who first introduced me to it, but I’m 97% certain it was someone called David. Anyway; my favourite lines are as follows:

‘I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God’

As I end my 24th year, I feel this is the first time I can truly sing that, fully understanding and believing everything that means.

And now, I shall say adieu. To everyone who has helped me, encouraged me, prayed with or for me, or simply been a light for me this year, I thank ye. To those I haven’t yet reunited with, either through incompetence or circumstance, I apologise and hope that somewhere down the line our paths will cross once again.

So, until next time,

Safety, peace and love

Connor

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