In Paradisum

Hello Once Again Audience.

You now know the story of how I entered exile; now is the story of how I came back. I’ve told this story before, but before you read something else know this will be an extended version; kind of like watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. View this as the extended films, sort of. To the less religiously inclined among you, this may grate a bit, my apologies. And as before, I’ll try and be as respectful as possible of my LDS friends’ beliefs.

So I was in. I truly believed everything I was taught and/or learned. Whilst I’d lost some very dear friends, I managed to find new friends, some whom I still hold dear. I considered going on a mission twice, in fact it was the night of my stake interview that I started to think the church wasn’t true, but we’ll get there. But the biggest change was that I ended up getting engaged. Obviously I am no longer engaged, or married, and it is there that today’s story will begin.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that, in retrospect, our relationship simply wasn’t a good one, but as they say ‘love blinds’. I’ve also made no secret that we ended because she cheated. I always hate that term. Cheating is something you (shouldn’t) do in sport, or playing a game, it in no way adequately describes what a betrayal it is. There were; other complications shall we say, that contributed to the break up, but those will remain known to only a select few. But to the credit of both my non LDS and LDS friends alike, they all took time to ensure I was okay about it. I even had messaged from some of the old Euston crowd. But I moved on, as best I could. In some ways, like my adoption, I think it is a pain that will be with me for a long time.

But anyway; I then I started to think about what a future with just me would look like. I started thinking about a mission. I’d already considered it, but then the engagement happened, and yeah. But this time it seemed like a real possibility, so I went for it. And as part of my prep I did the think every prospective missionary is told not to do; I looked at anti-Mormon material. Yes, I heard that gasp. But it was simply with the idea that most people I spoke to would have read it, so it made sense to read it and develop counter argument. Think as the enemy does and all that. 

And in the process of researching this forbidden information, I started to think, both logically (I heard that gasp too!) and spiritually. I thought about everything both sides were saying and eventually decided the ‘anti-Mormons’ had it right. Again, another phrase I dislike, but moving on. Side note; if you find Mormon history as fascinating/ intriguing as I do, please check out the Naked Mormonism podcast for an unbiased look into church history.

So, having decided the LDS church was essentially a bunch of waffle, I left. But I didn’t go to Hub, or any Christian thing straight away. Aside from a quick visit to Euston to (finally) talk things over with Ken and JP, I stayed away from church for a good month. For a while I wasn’t sure how much of my faith had gone. I was confused; confused and angry, with God. If he knew the LDS church was false, why didn’t he warn me? About a month after leaving I put a post on Facebook announcing that I’d left. Well, by chance Dan, the Hub church leader, saw it and said he was around if I wanted to talk. We did and I ended up deciding to go to the Hub’s latest Alpha course. 

After the first couple of weeks I realised that there was still faith there; faith enough for me to go to church again at the very least. So that Sunday I went to my first Hub meeting in a very long time. There were some old faces, some new. But the one person I instantly went and said hello to was Beth. Now, Beth is the only person, besides me, to have been to all the churches and other Christian events I’d been to. In that moment, she represented every single friend and place I’d lost. In a way, it was like God had personally come down to welcome me home, it still feels like that was his intent, a friendly face to prove to me that coming back also meant coming home.

And in the past eight months he’s shown time and time again that I am home. Whilst certain things remain out of reach for the time being, I have everything I need right now, spiritually at least. I still pop down to Euston from time to time, and went on the weekend away, but Hub is my church now. And I have some absolutely incredible friends; I don’t intend on knocking Euston here, it has, does and always will hold a warm place in my heart, but Hub is the perfect church, for me anyway.

Epitomised earlier today in fact; there was a netball tournament that some of the Hubsters had entered and I went to cheer and be ‘support crew’. They won their group (Yay!), and as we were sitting around waiting for the trophy presentation, I took a look around at them all and kinda realised; they may be people I go to church with, but they’re more than that, they’re friends. The Hub’s motto is ‘a messy family growing together’ and I do think it nails that right on the head.

Anyway; lest this become an unintentional Hub advert, I shall move on. The past nine months have been some of the happiest I’ve had in a very long while, but in a way some of the most challenging. For the first few months, I had this constant ‘what if?’ What if I’d never gone Mormon? How would life be different? Who would I have met? What adventures would I have had? But over the past eight months I’ve learned, simply put, what is the point in being afraid? I’m back, and that’s what matters. It’s what matters to God. He doesn’t care what I’ve done, but what I’m doing. And in the short eight months of calling myself Christian, rather than Mormon again, my relationship with him has gotten so much stronger, so much deeper, so much more beautiful.

And to those who have helped, both deepen and reignite my faith, helped me shake off the Mormon-ness, and helped me let go of the past, I say thank you. Whether your contribution has been small or big, subtle or obvious, thank you. And to my friends at Hub, you have all helped, even if you think you haven’t. Even if all we’ve had is a ten minute conversation, you’ve helped. Give yourselves a pat on the back and a hearty round of applause.

So that is the story of how I came to leave Mormonism and rejoin Hubism. There are, obviously, things I haven’t put in, please feel free to ask about them. But for now, until I can think of, or discover something blog worthy, I shall simply say:

Safety, peace and love

-Connor